“Now therefore, come, let us make a covenant, you and I, and let it be
a witness between you and me.” (Genesis 31:44, NKJV)
Today, it is common to hear people talk about “setting
boundaries.” Usually, this phrase is used in connection with an attempt to cope
with a dysfunctional relationship. One individual has continued to hurt another.
All attempts to reconcile have failed. There is nothing left to do, but set
boundaries – lines that must not be crossed – lines that will protect the other
individual from further hurt.
Similar situations have occurred throughout history. One
such situation is recorded in Genesis 31. This passage records a
very dysfunctional relationship between Jacob and his father-in-law, Laban.
Jacob made a deal with Laban to work for him seven years in exchange for his
younger daughter, Rachel’s hand in marriage. At the end of the seven years,
Laban gave him the older daughter, Leah, instead. Still in love with Rachel,
Jacob made a deal to work for Laban another seven years to marry her as well.
At the end of the seven years, Jacob married Rachel and continued to work for
Laban. Laban continued to cheat Jacob by changing his wages. In spite of
Laban’s efforts, God blessed Jacob and caused him do become rich. When Laban
and his sons became resentful of Jacob’s success, Jacob took his family and all
his possessions and fled from Laban. Laban pursued Jacob and confronted him.
The result of that confrontation was a boundary to keep the peace between the
two.
Jacob and Laban followed clear steps to establishing a
healthy boundary. Today, we can use these same steps to establish healthy
boundaries and bring peace into our lives.
The first step to
establishing healthy boundaries is to follow God’s direction. Jacob knew he
was in trouble. But he did not leave until he had a clear direction from God.
(Genesis 31:3, 11-13) This was not the first time Jacob had an encounter with
God. (Genesis 28) Jacob had an ongoing relationship with God. Part of this
relationship was direct communication with God. Today, we can have direct
access to God. We enter into a relationship with God through faith in Jesus
Christ. The Bible tells us that sin separates us from God and brings death, but
we can have eternal life through Jesus Christ, God’s Son, who took the death we
deserved when He died on the cross and rose from the dead on the third day, so
that all who turn from their sins and believe in Jesus will have eternal life.
(Romans 5:8-11; 6:23) When a person repents and trusts in Jesus, he or she
begins a relationship with God. In the course of this relationship, the person
learns to hear God’s directions for his or her life through prayer, Bible
intake, and spiritual disciplines. Hearing God’s direction is an essential part
of establishing healthy boundaries.
Another important step
to establishing healthy boundaries is to consult with trusted family and
friends. Jacob called his wives, Rachel and Leah, and discussed the
situation with them. (Genesis 31:4-16) They agreed with Jacob that it would be
best to leave Laban. Consulting trusted family and friends is helpful because
they can often provide an objective opinion. When those family members and
friends are Christians, they can provide Godly wisdom to aid us in our search
for God’s direction.
Another important step
to establishing healthy boundaries is to withdraw from hurtful people. Of
course, reconciliation should be attempted. There are times, however, when
reconciliation is not possible. Sometimes attempts to reconcile fail. An
abusive situation requires withdrawal from the abusive individual to prevent
further abuse. Jacob removed himself and his family from a manipulative,
hurtful situation. (Genesis 31:17-18)
Another important step
to establishing healthy boundaries is to diffuse arguments. Laban pursued
Jacob and accused him of stealing his household idols. (Genesis 31:25-37) Jacob
allowed Laban to search for his idols. Unknown to Jacob, Rachel had stolen the
idols; however, Laban did not find them in his search. In allowing Laban to
search his possessions, Jacob diffused Laban’s accusation of theft. This action
did not solve all of their differences, but it did help calm Laban down and
prevent further escalation. The temptation is to lash out at someone in such a
situation. That only escalates the conflict more. When possible, we should seek
to diffuse an argument.
Another important step
to establishing healthy boundaries is to clearly state one’s grievances.
Both Jacob and Laban clearly stated their grievances. Although they did not
reach an agreement, each listened to the other. (Genesis 31:36-43) Being able
to state one’s grievances face-to-face allows each to know why the boundary is
necessary. Both Laban and Jacob knew that reconciliation was impossible.
Another solution was necessary to keep the peace. Also, being able to state
one’s grievance face-to-face provides closure and helps release negative
thoughts and emotions that can lead to bitterness if allowed to build up. It is
important for each party to patiently listen to the other during this step.
Another important step
to establishing healthy boundaries is to set limits. Laban and Jacob made a
covenant with each other, before witnesses, that they would not pass beyond a
certain place to harm the other. (Genesis 31:44-52) This covenant did not solve all of their
disagreements. It simply set boundaries to prevent each party from harming the
other. Each still felt cheated by the other, but they agreed to the boundary
that would prevent further harm. Instead of going on-and-on about what the
other party did to hurt you, find a boundary that both can agree on that will
prevent further harm. The past harm is done, and often cannot be undone. But
future harm can be avoided with proper boundaries.
Lastly, an important
step to establishing healthy boundaries is to recognize God’s authority.
The covenant between Laban and Jacob recognized God’s authority in two ways.
First, God was called as witness of the covenant. (Genesis 31:50) The covenant
was not just an agreement between two men, but a covenant made before God. The
knowledge that God is witness of the agreement and the conduct of the parties
provides an added incentive to keep the covenant. To break the covenant would
provoke God’s wrath. Second, God was called as judge between the two. Instead
of each continuing to try to prove he was right or get even, God was to be the
judge. This was a way to let it go. Did each feel he was cheated? Yes. Would
either be able to convince the other he was right? No. So they decided to trust
God’s judgment. He knows exactly what has happened, and is able to pass
judgment accordingly. Continuing to hold grudges and try to get even just
causes bitterness and resentment to fester in a person’s heart. No one can do
this without trusting God. An ongoing relationship with God helps us to trust
Him.
Setting boundaries is sometimes necessary in life. To set
the right boundaries requires proper relationships with God and people. Make
sure you have a relationship with God through faith in Jesus Christ. Try to
maintain good relationships with the people in your life. When boundaries are
necessary, follow the biblical steps to setting the right boundaries and bringing
peace into your life.
